I feel all restless this night, can't sleep; can't sleep. feel a need to make thoughts visible.

Lewis Taylor's party, from the Limited Edition 2004 CD... although it's got nothing to do with him, it's got everything to do with time spent with him. (oooo, follow that Lewis link - the Slow Reality site is finally online. I'm *so* jealous that I didn't get to build it, hehe. still, probably a good thing: looks like a better job than I would've done, in many ways)

fair warning: you don't & won't ever know everything about me. yes, I'm speaking to you, whoever you are; besides, there are things you probably don't ever want to know (that's not melodrama). my own application of denial is useful for short periods of time - and in some cases extended periods - but I'm actually the only one who sees all parts of myself. sometimes in my mind things are a bit dim, but for the most part I've got 20/20 vision. also, there's a very strong filter on the fuzzier parts. if you watch very carefully you might see some of those if/when I retouch something with the sharpen tool.

I am completely annoyed with someone online. it makes absolutely no sense because I don't even know this person (& s/he has even less clue to my own existence, I think), but I suspect that I annoy this person somehow too. I'm alternately annoyed & grateful for that. mostly I'm just annoyed because I'm annoyed. I hate following trends, especially when they're so self-aware, and I'm annoyed that I'm consciously aware of & feeling any of it at all. thankfully, I can most often forget all about it. in this case it really doesn't exist when I don't look at it.

I dream, and I love the dreaming. I see, and I'm excited by the sights. I think, and I'm deluged with thoughts. I speak, and falsely contradictory truths come out. possibilities are endless, repetitive, and frustratingly vague. I probably won't even remember what some of this is about, next time I read it *.

**

I want to go back through my life and fix all the mistakes I've made. gravitational selection; situational correction; editorial approval.

I want to be perfect. failing that, I want to eliminate anyone who spots my imperfections. (oops - goodbye, world)

I want to travel through time, visiting myself and all the people who make this time. I want to relive all my happies, find out what made them tick. especially I want to relive my glooms; I want to relive the dark times so I can bring new, healing light to them. no, I actually want to relive them... not just in memory. yes, I mean those times too. loz's believe it or not.

once, I wanted you. I'm so glad I let you go, because now I have you forever. how many times will I have to think this? and will there ever be a time when want and have - in more than a fleeting way - occur simultaneously?

I often want what I can't have, and have what I don't want.

restlessly unfulfilled; arrogantly deserving; hopefully waiting; quietly despairing; stubbornly persisting.

brain matter in mug, stirred turns to mush.

sound that blesses me curses me also. no future or fairness there but still I must listen, hear... have.

what I'm really curious about is: where have I known you before?

most things are far more than they ever outwardly appear to be; reality is highly subjective, often too personal to appear without disguise. boundaries exist to serve their purpose. sometimes even I forget that... my apologies.

Secret Somethings fuel me, make me eager to live another day... make me curse the day's inadequacy. repeatedly. something's got to give, and I'm waiting for it to be other than me.

just because I know when I've screwed up and take responsibility for it, in many cases doesn't mean I'm admitting that I'm the only party responsible for whatever's gone wrong; it just means I'm aware of what's happened, my own part in or contribution to it, and that I'm willing to apologize if/when necessary and acknowledge it so I can (hopefully) do better next time. so nana-nana-boo-boo, you cannot have all the available power. ride your own awareness; mine's a one-seater and the driver's seat is custom-made to my measurements. if you're lucky and you know it I might let you hitch your trailer to my bumper occasionally.

thoughts often turn to sleep - most appropriately, now.

* haha, I've already forgotten. too cryptic for my own understanding.

** oh, now I've remembered again. wonder how long that'll last?