notes to myself:

- am: intro, slogan-thing
- Ramjam
- beads
- 2 x bead projects
- housework *sigh*
- which MP tracks?

I've been here at Gran's not quite 3-1/2 hours & she's already had to get up 4 times to go to the loo. eh? this is a little lady who drinks hardly anything at all, and yet she's gone waterfalls nearly every time. oddness. at least it's better than her not going at all once she gets there.

a dream I had the other night: Gran had to go to the loo (haha, yes, I'm starting to dream about it too!), so I got up & we headed off. for some reason, though, we had to go to a nearby restaurant to use theirs. we were, incidentally, staying in the city at my Aunt Elsie's place... some sort of family holiday occasion. [just for the record here, my aunt doesn't live in the city, and she doesn't live in the big, gorgeous log house I dreamed we were visiting her at]

so Gran & I - her in her pjs in the wheelchair, me in my pjs pushing her - headed out to the restaurant to visit the loo there. I was having trouble getting the wheelchair over the door thingie... you know, that thing with the name I can't remember that's at the bottom of the doorway... & looking down at that as I struggled, when all of a sudden Gran hops out of the wheelchair, about 30 years younger and pre-stroke, wearing an elegant black dress, full war paint & a string of pearls. 'no problem', says she, 'I'll just walk.' erm... okay. that all had me a bit flummoxed, so I just watched her go in the door & up the tall staircase in front of us. she was taller than me too... maybe she was wearing heels? dunno.

so I sit myself on the stairs waiting for Gran to return from the washroom, and all of a sudden I see her - again in her nightgown & it's billowing out around her now - sliding down the bannister and somersaulting down the remaining stairs, all long-blond-haired & giggling. she's 15 now, full of vim & vigor, telling me 'c'mon, let's go!' so off I trundle, following this young-Gran-full-of-energy out the door. of course, we have to stop at the department store next door so Gran can get a facial & make-up applied at the cosmetics counter before we return to the house. by the time we get Gran back into bed she's her present-day self though, and I'm sad once again to see her like this.

the dream continues for a bit after that, something about food, cousins, a big lovely kitchen with lots of booze on the counters and so on, until Gran wakes me up for real because she's got to go to the loo. at this point I was a bit confused because I was sure we'd just been there (haha), but I took her again anyway. along the way she tells me she was dreaming about cooking breakfast for everyone, but there wasn't enough bacon to go around. I bet she managed to feed us all well anyway, I tell her.

all this - the telling of - is just by way of ponderance: if even I'm dreaming of Gran in such a manner (young & capable again, etc), and Gran's dreaming stuff like how she's cooking breakfast for everyone, is it any wonder that she can't - & won't - accept that she can't do anything for or by herself, anymore?

seems a logical conclusion to me, but it still makes me sad... for Gran, a proud and independent woman not being able to do things for herself anymore - this is for keeps, but why should she have to accept it? not fair! sad also, of course, for us who won't have her with us all that much longer, obviously. patience - and respect for this woman who has done so much for all of us all our lives - is most definitely in order; Gran deserves to be able to preserve whatever remaining dignity - or at least any illusion of it - that she can, in the time she's got left.

sometimes I resent Gran's need of me (and of us all), even while I'm ashamed of the resentment; sometimes I'm annoyed that I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time, when I'm here. I think I need to remind myself that I actually feel that it's not only a pleasure to spend whatever time is possible with Gran, but an honour to have the opportunity to do for and with her whatever I possibly can. it's all about the moment now, really - I think it's very important to remember to count each remaining moment with Gran as a blessing, and to live each one fully for what it is. no resentments, no regrets... this is all that's left, so make the best of it or live with shame and regret afterwards when it's too late to change anything.

didn't really mean to get all serious there, but it's worth taking the time to remind myself of these things.

as I mentioned here a short while ago, I'm getting involved with the skateboard society that's working to raise the necessary funding to build a new skateboard park in our town. since both my kidlets are dedicated skaters, I think it's a good opportunity for me to be involved in something so much a part of their lives as well as an opportunity to do some volunteer work within the community. actually, being involved with this project works very well for me on a few different levels.

we had a meeting - the first I've attended - on May 26th to discuss various issues, much of it revolving around fundraising. we also discussed the website and what it will include, what we need to get started, etc. I'm quite excited that I get to build this site! I'll be donating the design & maintenance of the site, along with the webspace and whatever bandwidth it'll use, so the society only needs to use minimal funds for the domain name.

today (Saturday May 29th, that is... it's way past midnight so this entry will show as Sunday the 30th), the skate society held an auction of items scrounged from an old high school that's in the midst of being torn down. at the last minute I said I might be able to help with the cash, but I had to stay at Gran's until 11 am Saturday morning. by the time I got home, showered & changed, had lunch and got to the auction, it was almost over. secretly I'm kinda glad because it rained off & on all day today ;), but it probably would have been fun if I'd had time.

there were all sorts of oddities at this auction, and I spent a bit of money to bring home these old (smallish) loom things that are supposed to be used for weaving wool or whatever, but which I'm going to alter slightly to use as bead looms. I often get frustrated with the small bead looms I already have, so I'll use these larger thingies for the wider/longer beaded items I sometimes make. I also picked up an answering machine, which I needed badly. upon later inspection, though, I found that it's not an answering machine at all! it's a micro-cassette dictation machine! how cool! unwittingly I've bought myself a piece of secretarial equipment - for a *very* good price - that I've been planning to add to my office someday anyway. if a client has a dictation tape that needs transcribing now I've got the proper equipment to do it for them.

I've been approaching - snail-like - starting my own business for ages now. mostly what's held me back is a lack of real understanding about the market (and how best to make my splash into it) in this area, so I'm working in earnest to learn about that now. it's just time to get very serious about this! anyway, my biz revolves around service-type activities, really. it includes web design of course, but there are so many designers (who can also offer programming to their clients) around here that design isn't my main focus. I have to branch out into other services too, in other words.

I'm an executive secretary, so I offer secretarial-type services to small businesses/individuals who can't actually employ someone regularly for these services, and to any business that needs temporary and/or overflow help. I also work with people who are new to computer use. I can offer tutoring in basic computer use and/or various software programs, but I seem to 'specialize' in working with people who are new to the internet especially (there's a lot of need for cleaning up & securing systems that've been hit by virus/worm/trojan attacks, for instance!). I'm working on developing a way I could efficiently add a sort of 'help desk' function to the services I offer also; for instance, being on call to talk people through glitches they're experiencing, guide them on the fly in various functions they find they need to perform on the computer but aren't sure exactly what to do & don't have the time to look through help files or search the internet for the answer, & so on. the main issue I need to address really is how to efficiently bill for performing this service, since it'd be a once-in-a-while & spur-of-the-moment need for most people. perhaps a subscription type of billing (if that's the right term), whereby a client pays ahead for a block of time & phones to use the service as they need? ideas/suggestions welcome.

in addition to all of the above, as sort of 'extra biz' I also want to market various beaded works (mostly jewellery & maybe do some custom-designed type items) and offer Reiki to interested parties. I'm a Reiki master - Usui system of Reiki, for those who are familiar - though I don't teach... I'm certified only for the practitioning part of the Reiki Master (third) level. for anyone who doesn't know Reiki, it's an ancient healing art - basically, I'm a sort of 'conduit' for the universal energy that makes all living things 'go'. when you get Reiki, the energy works to boost and speed up your body's own healing ability. you can find out more about Reiki, if you're interested, at my basic Reiki info page. feel free to leave any questions/comments about Reiki here, or email me via the 'contact me' link on the left or on the Reiki page itself. I'd love to hear about your experience with Reiki too, if you have anything you'd like to talk about.

anyway, that's a bit about my proposed biz ;). hmm, and a lotta other stuff, haha.